Wanted

About 9 months ago we moved across town. Which is a good thing. Matt drove an hour to work EACH WAY everyday for 4 years. We were also residing in our very small, sad, not suitable for six living creatures, condo. Heres the catch, I have zero friends in my new neighborhood. My closest friend lives nearly an 45 minutes away. And I am slowly losing it. While I love all my tiny humans, if I have to spend one more day analyzing the transformers saga through the eyes of my borderline genius/anal retentive son I may transform onto a decipticon (dork joke, Kaeden would die laughing, so think I am funny). I need to have a conversation with someone who is over 3 feet tall (and yes, I am discriminating against midgets) and isn't contractually obligated (Matt). When my son started school I thought I would make a ton of hip, cool, mom friends. I thought a made friends easily, the cashiers at Target always love me. Then I sat and thought about my friend group. The people I still keep in contact with on a fairly constant basis, that like me and I reciprocate (the 500 Facebook friends are not counted).

Here are my friend statistics:
3: Grade School
1: Junior High
1: High School
2: My cousins married them
2: Matts friends

After analysis, it is fairly clear that I suck as a human being. My most popular days ocured when I was 5, I have steadliy become more lame. Which is fine, but totally shatters my idea that I can befriend a stranger. I have no problem talking to people. Not a shy bone in my body. But once I start talking to the cool school moms I can tell they hate me. One of my few friends suggested I get them drunk, another suggested I flirt with them. I don't think those tactics are going to work. Plan B.

Here is my want ad that may or may not be posted on a my local Craigslist, depends on how desperate I get:

Wanted: A mom-friend. Actually any-type of friend, sans kids may actually be a benefit (I really don't like kids I don't share a blood line with). If you do have kids, I don't want to talk about them, the cute things they said or about how "advanced" they are. No one does. Everyone loves their kids and we all know you are lying when you say that Junior walks on water. The upside to being a mom friend is that our schedules would be similar. I have friends that are willing to hang out with me (even despite the distance) but I am not met with much enthusiasm when I suggest we go to a playground mid morning or we could go out at night but only until 9pm, because I wake up at 6am to wet diapers, a cranky kindergartner and an unconscious husband.

Must drink. But I will not be they sorry lady that holds your hair back after happy hour, I would like to befriend a classy drunk, thank you. Oh and if you ever cry while drinking I will pretend not to know you and jump in my van and leave you stranded in a puddle of tears vulnerable to the nearest cougar catcher.

Speaking of the mini van, you have to love it. You cannot be one of those women who care about cars, purses, designers, etc. I am not versed in the ways of fancy things, nor do I care to be. I also don't care what you are wearing (unless it is sweat pants) or what you drive (unless it breaks down all the time and I am the sucker that has to pick you up). I take it back, you can care about the finer things in life, but know that I don't, and will think you are shallow and mustn't read books. If you talk to me about your new $4,000 purse I may steal it and sell it or accidently spill my cheap wine on it.

Religious fanatics need not apply. I am decidedly un-religious (that is a less harsh term for those of you who don't like the "A" word). However, I went to a Christian school K-12, so I can kick your newly converted ass in any Bible trivia, so there is no need to share the gospel with me. And I swear if you break out a tract with the cross as the bridge I will turn the cross into a phallic symbol if given the opportunity. Let it be noted, I am VERY respectful about peoples religious beliefs (most of my family is EXTREMELY religious), I demand the same respect for my lack in beliefs, reasonable right?

Crazy liberal atheists need not apply. I get it, I am one of you. I am mad and jagged too, but don't you people get tired. I like how bottled water tastes. And I get it, there is no one electable in the GOP. Prop 8 was too confusing and illegal. Jon Stewart is shockingly sexy for a 5'7 old Jewish man. I know, I know. Let's stop talking about our bumper stickers and start talking about your parental relationship issues. Far more interesting.

Please don't be one of those women who hackles loudly. Like football and start a fantasy team with me. Don't sleep with my husband, say obligatory comments about my adorable shoes and I will reciprocate.

If you are a gay man, you win.

About me: Married, lots of kids. They are cuter than yours, so just get over it. I am 26 and may be having a quarter life crisis. Not sure, but I cried while watching "Diego" because an animal needed rescuing and I wasn't sure that Diego was going to make it (he did, crisis adverted). I am a mess on most days, luckily I can rock a messy bun with the best of them. I am OCD and crazy organized, I freak out daily about the toy bins mixing the matchbox cars and monster trucks (WHY would you mix those two, completely different purposes). I like wine and reading and if you combine those two with the beach I am the happiest girl in the world. I am fiercly loyal and if given the opprtunity to get in a bar fight defending your honor I will find a way out using wit and non violent tactics, so we don't break a heel.

I should be clear, I like my current friends. But they are normal 20 somethings that have their own lives to attend to. Being lawyers, curing cancer and running successful business' leaves little time to drive an hour to basically be ignored while I tend to the needs of my very loud people. I definitely do not want to replace those people, I would just like an agreeable filler person to kill time with until I can hang with my real friends. Is that too much to ask?