Top Ten Reasons My Marriage Could Fail

There has never been and never will be anything cuter than my babies holding hands.

While I was watching the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8, (at my dad's house, since we have no cable/DVR/any modern convenience, awesome) Kate was trying to get out of being a horrible wife by saying that the parents of multiples have a higher divorce rate. I have looked around (by "looking" I mean conducting a 2 minute google search) and cannot find any stats on that info, but I will take Kate's word for it. I think Kate was talking about higher order multiples, but I am going to apply it to my life. After further thought about the divorce issue I realized that Husband Face and I are prone to several of the common "marriage risk factors." I decided to make a list of the most likely causes that will do us in, in order to entertain, to reflect and possibly work on our flaws.


Top Ten Reasons My Marriage Could Fail

10. Infants suck. Kids suck. Multiple of these beings does nothing to cultivate a lovey-dovey relationship. Sure they are cute and I love them, but between the whining and grossness shooting from multiple holes, by the time Husband face gets home I am near tears and smell horrible.

9. We were/are young. I think I underestimated how much I wanted to be 20 when I first "settled down", and not a middle aged housewife. I glamorized the world of laundry and bottles and put my friends lives out of my mind in order to stay sane. It would be nice to have had my own life before kiddos came along, and not have to ask permission to have a night out or consult my bank account before I buy a new pair of jeans, but these are my choices. I am 110% sure Husband Face feels the same way, but he lived a rock star life before I came along, while I was the nicest girl in the world, fresh out of a strict private school. I also truly believe that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. I will forever remind him that I filled out his college application for him, granted he is a genius and it would have been accepted anywhere so it was easy, but he was also high and would have never had the gumption to do it.

8. I am a bitch. If you cannot tell by #9, I have an inflated since of how much I really matter. I know that Husband Face loves me, but really how much abuse can one man take? And I work on it. I think I have gotten considerably better at taming my inner bitch. I rarely yell and try to stick to quieter passive aggressive tactics. However, the worst story in the world includes me becoming bitterly angry because Husband Face did not butter my rolls when they were hot out of the oven. Not my finest moment, in my defense I was hungry and pregnant with two people.

7. Husband Face has his moments. He is super easy going on certain life issues (bills, negative monies in our account, politics) but other things drive him nuts. He cannot tolerate crying babies. Literally there is ALWAYS a crying child in our home, so I feel like he should adapt. He however feels like yelling about the nonsensical nature of their crying is helpful. He also decided that he was "handy" when we bought our condo a year ago and since then has tackled (and completed, I should note) several projects that should have been dealt with by professionals (pipe issues, installing ceiling fans, baseboards, plumbing woes). While several of his "projects" have ended up with desperate calls to highly "skilled" workers, there is a lot of screaming at inanimate objects in the meantime.





6. Big J. He is our most easy going child, and I have very few qualms with his personality. However, his scream is comparable to nails on a chalkboard. It hurts my brain. Also, he only looks left. Which is currently causing me to spend hours getting him to look right and worry about his head being misshaped. Not to mention that physical therapy is an hour away and has a hefty price tag.



5. Itty Bitty. Since the day she left my womb she has been loud. She was sick for the first few months of her life, which broke my heart, but many days and long sleepless nights, she slowly drove me insane. Itty Bitty could cry for hours, she throws up all over her adorable outfits (one of the only reasons I ever wanted a girl), and has to be held constantly (forcing me to neglect her quieter well behaved counter part). Lately she is smiling more and does not seem to be in pain, but she still projectile vomits constantly.



4. K-Dog. The child is the love of my life. I cannot imagine my world without him, but some days I try to, it would be quieter but not as rewarding. He is stubborn, really stubborn, which can be traced directly to me. I have tried every "Super Nanny" tactic and child rearing book to chill him out, but with no success. I plan my world around situations that will not upset him, and everyday I fail. I should not have been a parent so young, and feel like my inadequacies are hindering him.

3. Husband Face and I are both from divorced homes. Husband Face actually had a somewhat "normal" divorce experience. He was young and had visiting days with his father. He was raised by mostly women, which has helped our relationship immensely. My parents divorce took a decade, mostly in my teen years. It was crazy and I often felt like I had to raise my brother and sister. Once I had my license, I pretty much took over as acting parent. I blame most of my issues on my parents, it makes for a good scapegoat.

2. Since my ovaries are hyper active and produced two eggs and we have poor foresight abilities and severely underestimated the high cost of feeding and diapering twins, I had to pick up a night job. This is good for feeding babies, bad for my marriage. As I previously mentioned, Husband Face does not enjoy crying babies and when I am gone he is the sole caretaker. By the time I get home he is cranky, a child is usually still awake and screaming, and I am mad that I can't just chill for 2 minutes. I am considering "playing" the lottery to alleviate our financial woes, hopefully resulting in reduced marital stress.

1. Dishes and laundry. If you have a maid, you have no excuse not to be happily married. I cannot live in a messy house and therefore spend all of my time (that isn't spent on work and child rearing) cleaning and not paying any attention to Husband Face. So if you feel so moved to save a marriage you can donate a maid to my household. Please give my kids the gift of married parents, their future is in your hands.


To all of you who are worried about the state of my relationship, I will post a "Ten Things I love about Marriage" soon. I am truly adore and love Husband Face and could not imagine going through my crazy life without him by my side. Also, Husband Face read this before I published it and would like everyone to know that I am joking when I ask for a maid, or so he thinks...